Ridonculous Phobia
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: In the spirit of the "Phobia Factor" TDI episode, the Ridonculous Race racers are invited to Camp Wawanakwa for a day and night to have their own phobias tested and exploited for laughs. Rated T for trouble.
1. Prelude

**A/N:** Phobia Factor is my favorite episode of _Total Drama Island_ , because it was hilarious to see the ways the campers tried to deal with their worst fears. Just for fun, I am trying to tell a short story here of what would happen if the racers of _The Ridonculous Race_ were offered their own "Phobia Factor" challenge by Chris (and Don). **Note:** Some of the phobias in this story are based on things that actually did dismay the contestants on _The Ridonculous Race_ , but many others are ones that I creatively made up myself, based off of the wackiness of the TDI campers' worst fears.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own _Total Drama_ or _The Ridonculous Race_ , Fresh TV presently does.

* * *

 **Prelude**

"Sooo," said Geoff the Surfer Dude, "does anybody mind telling me why we were all invited to Camp Wawanakwa for a night and day again?"

"I'm not sure," said Ellody intelligently, "Apparently, Race hose Don said that his friend Chris McLean, host of Total Drama, wanted to play an experimental game with all of us here. He didn't say exactly what it was."

"I'm really not looking forward to working with that narcissist, Chris," said Laurie, "He's supposed to be an even bigger pain-in-the-neck than Don, and Don made me eat meat and get my face swollen by bullet ants, for goodness' sake!"

"And his looney lackey, Chef Hatchet, is a real jackass who terrifies the heck out of anybody he looks at or talks to," said Stephanie. "That guy can go walk the plank for all I care."

"I feel for you, Stephanie," said Ryan, her boyfriend and former hater, "But don't worry. My upper body strength can match Chef muscle for muscle. If he tries to hurt you, I'll make him hurt worse, even if it does get me in trouble with Chris and his producers!"

"That's so sweet, Ryan," said Stephanie with eyes shining, "I love you when you stand up for those you love. So much better than the way you treated me while we were the Haters!"

"That's my girl!" exclaimed Ryan. They made out for a few moments.

"Yeah," said Junior, "But what about the rest of us? That Chef is like a drill sergeant on steroids; he's hysterical when people don't obey him to the letter."

"Oh, he's not that bad, Junior," said dad Dwayne, patting his son on the back, "He's kinda like your mother when she thinks I'm hitting on another woman! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Junior rolled his eyes. "That's really encouraging," he said sarcastically.

The 36 contestants from The Ridonculous Race, including three from Total Drama Island and one from TD: Pahkitew Island, were outside around a campfire on the beach of Camp Wawanakwa, conversing about what could possibly be up Chris and Don's sleeves this time.

"This isn't going to be a full series again, is it?" asked Noah.

"I don't think so, man," said Brody, Geoff's "bro." "I think they just want to try one thing out on us because Don and Chris, especially Chris, are very curious about it."

"Well, whatever it is, I intend to win this time," said Ice Dancer Josee, "The gold must, and will, be mine!"

"Not in a million years, you cheater," said Police Cadet Sanders.

"Yeah, you just watch yourself, ice capade girl!" MacArthur, her partner, agreed. "I may be a so-called 'bad cop,' but even I don't cheat against my enemies. I just fart at 'em!" MacArthur got up and broke wind in Josee and Jacques' direction. MacArthur laughed.

So did Owen. "Ha, ha, ha, ha! Nice one, MacArthur!" he complimented her.

"Nice one!? That was so gross!" Emma disagreed. "Since when do cops behave like that?"

"You get used to it when you spend a lot of time with Owen," said Noah.

Emma laughed this time. "Now that's a nice joke, you dork," she chuckled, pecking him on the cheek. Suddenly, there was another fart from next to Emma.

"Not you too, Kitty!" exclaimed Emma.

"Oops! It was an accident, sis, really!" Kitty pleaded coyly.

Mickey came back from going to the bathroom behind a bush, and as he returned and gave one of his signature sneezes, he stumbled backward and rammed into Josee, hard.

"OOOW!" Josee cried. "For God's sakes, please don't do that again, you little klutz!"

"Yeah, you baby," said Taylor rudely, "Don't let yourself get blown halfway across the island by a simple, tiny sneeze."

"Taylor!" said her mom, Kelly. "That's just plain rude!"

"So is giving me a bunch of phony trophies to stack in my room," said Taylor.

"Uh…yeah, right," said Kelly.

"Hey, wait a moment," said Devin, "Why so hysterical about Mickey bumping into you like that? It wasn't that hard a hit, or a stomp."

"Never you mind," said Josee, "I just don't like being hit or torn, especially by surprise."

"Pain isn't that bad, Josee," said Carrie. "Devin dealt with it amazingly gracefully when we were eliminated from the Race."

"Hey," said Owen, "This reminds me of an old sharefest me and the other Total Drama Island campers had one night, right on this very spot. After Courtney mentioned her dislike for green jelly, and DJ and Tyler brought up their fear of snakes and chickens, we all started sharing our worst fears with each other and kind of bonding at the same time."

"I remember that," said Noah, "I saw it from the Elimination Station. I was voted out before that episode, so I never mentioned my personal fear to anyone."

"I can still remember my fear, very vividly," said Owen, "I was afraid of flying. That's always crazy stuff! Fortunately, the Phobia Factor challenge we did the next day helped me deal with it a little better than before, even though flying still scares me."

"I hear ya, man," said Geoff, "I told the world that my fear is hail, small but deadly stones falling out of the sky, dude. I don't think I did nearly as good conquering my fear, though." He lowered his head sadly.

"Oh, that's all right, bro," said Brody, "I have an unnatural fear, too. Ever since that boat ride from France to Iceland, I'm sacred of electric shocks. And before that, lightning. The promise of unspeakable agony, not to mention all those thunderclaps that follow." He shuddered.

 **Confessional**

"Okay, so it's like, just because the TDI campers had a sharefest about their fears years ago, now the Ridonculous Race racers have to have one, too," said Noah. "Spud the rocker went on about how his mortal fear is being swarmed over with ants, particularly army and fire types, because of his slow reaction to things, and how by the time he became aware of it, the ants will have half-consumed him. Also, Kitty said she's afraid of samurai, Mickey's afraid of spiders, even Lorenzo's afraid of gladiators."

 **Confessional Ends**

"Okay, so one of the little wimps can't stand spiders," said Taylor. "How about you, wimp number two? What paralyzes you with fear?" She turned to Jay.

"Um," said Jay hesitantly, "I have a serious case of asthma, so I'm scared to death of being without air for more than a few seconds. Oh man, I hope the air around here isn't thinning!" He trembled.

Taylor rolled her eyes.

"All right then," said Ellody, "You think you're so perfect and holier-than-thou, Taylor? There's definitely something that scares you, and I demand to know what it is!"

Taylor raised an eyebrow and sighed. "All right. You wanna know what really scares someone as clean as me? Any form of filth. Mud, poo poo, pee, food spills, you name it, I can't stand being covered by it. A girl in my position has to maintain her cleanliness all the time."

"And because she sometimes insensitively treats my body and clothing like a doormat," said Kelly, "I have the same phobia. Taylor gets me dirty on purpose so she doesn't have to be!" She glared at her daughter.

"Maybe my cleanliness is more essential," said Taylor innocently, "You're always covered in sweat and grime anyway, what with your older skin and your warm, not to mention unfashionable, clothes."

Kelly almost screamed through clenched teeth.

"Hey, hey! Take it easy, you two!" said Jen, "We don't enjoy dirt, either, but you don't see Tom and I complaining about getting it all over ourselves!"

"Doesn't surprise me," said Taylor, "People employed in fashion are so much better at staying cleaner than grunts like me. But if grunge isn't your phobia, then what is, Fashion Bloggers?"

Jen started, but remained calm. "Something more important than dirt. Bad, ugly fashion." She looked like she had goosebumps at that moment.

"And me?" said an uncomfortable looking Tom. "Criticism, of our blog, especially constructive criticism. Jen and I like the way we do things, and while you can defy rude criticism, you can't argue with constructive criticism."

Taylor humphed.

"Can't you stop your lips from flapping for a few little minutes, you crazy broad?" said MacArthur to Taylor. "Some of us would like to talk too, you know!"

Taylor shrugged. "Whatever."

"My daughter is not a broad!" hissed Kelly through clenched teeth.

"Ahem, mother," Taylor whispered, "I don't need you to defend me, you know."

"Oh, you're so ungrateful, Taylor!" growled Kelly.

"AHEEEMMM!" Emma said loudly. "Nobody wants to listen to either of you right now, so shut up or shut down."

Kelly and Taylor reluctantly quieted down finally.

"Okay," said Emma, "Now, how about you, Noah? What kind of thing scares you?"

"Me?" Noah replied, "I guess, being lost in the sewers. How about you, Emma?"

Emma cringed. "This is really silly, but…I'm afraid of cows."

"Cows?" laughed Gerry, "What's so scary about cows? If I were in your shoes, I'd be more afraid of bulls!"

"Shows how much you know, Gerry," Emma replied, "Cows can be pretty mean."

"He, he, I'll bet!" said Pete.

"Well then, I take it you're afraid of bulls, Gerry?" inquired Ryan.

"Actually, no," said Gerry, "I just said I'd sooner be afraid of bulls than cows."

"Well then, what is your fear, old boy?" asked Stephanie.

Gerry hesitated a moment. "I was a soldier in the Vietnam War once, because I lived in America before I moved to Canada," he said finally, "and I'm afraid of having to aim and fire an automatic rifle accurately. Those guns have such a terrific kick, I can barely handle it."

Stephanie raised an eyebrow. "Well, that makes some sense. And you, Pete?"

Pete rubbed his upper arm and said, "Going to the doctor. I can't stand vaccination."

Stephanie shrugged and said, "Well, my fear was already showcased on The Ridonculous Race, so I might as well admit mine: beans."

"And because I'm only 25% lower body, I'm afraid of gymnastics," said Ryan.

Gerry and Pete spluttered with laughter.

"Beans, and gym?" said Pete.

"Some people fear the oddest things," said Gerry.

"Oh yeah?" said Stephanie, "Well I'll bet you're only phobic about your phobias because you're old geysers."

"Hey," said Pete, "You take what you get."

"That goes for all of us, you know," said Ryan.

"Touché," said Gerry and Pete.

"Say, guys," said Spud, "What are we all talking about?"

Rock huffed. "You already forgot, dude? We're talking about our phobias. You said yours was ants."

Spud looked clueless for about ten seconds. Then he said, "Oooh, yeah. What's yours, Rock?"

"Oh well, I'm afraid of Jedi," said Rock, "They're such deadly fighters, and they control the minds of the weak-minded, man! If they were real, they could easily take advantage of Spud and me."

"But they're not real, Rock," said Mary, "And while there is a real world religion called Jediism, it's ridiculous to fear fictional characters."

"Oh, I don't know, Mary," said Tammy, "Sometimes fiction can come alive in miraculous ways."

Everyone stared pointedly at Tammy, except her friend Leonard, who looked away.

"Oh, come on, you fellas," said Tammy, "Who hasn't feared Darth Vader sometimes? Or Freddy Krueger? Or a Ringwraith? But I'll tell you, my greatest fear is what so many unimaginative people call 'realism.' When people do everything in their power to dissolve the fantastic, oohhh, I can't stand it!"

Everybody continued to stare. "Well, that makes one of you," wisecracked Mary.

"Just you wait!" Tammy exclaimed. "The fantasy world will claim us all yet!"

"Uh, I'm afraid of fire," interjected Jacques suddenly.

"Fire?" said Devin.

"Oh, yes," said Jacques, "As an ice dancer, fire scares the willies out of me, because fire melts ice."

"Hmm, makes sense," said Devin.

"I'm scared of sharks," said Dwayne, "'Cause I'm not a strong swimmer, and when I go in the water I seem to have some kind of animal magnetism."

"And I'm scared of being embarrassed," said Junior, "Because nothing is worse than humiliation, especially in front of your friends."

"You won't get me anywhere near root beer, man!" said Chet, "It's almost as gross as swallowing your own barf!"

"Yeah, you should know," said Lorenzo.

"Hey, don't start something, jerk!" Chet shouted.

"I'm not starting something, I'm finishing something!" Lorenzo retaliated.

"No more fighting!" said Emma sternly. "Let's just finish our 'sharefest' and go to bed."

"Yes, ma'am," said Chet and Lorenzo.

Mary looked at the Vegans. "I guess your fears are a no-brainer. Meat, right?"

Miles nodded jerkily. "Nothing's more frightening than a vegan eating meat, especially after being forced to do so on the Race."

"Actually, that's not quite my greatest fear," said Laurie, "It makes me sick to watch vultures feed. Gazing at a bunch of bald, ugly birds tearing through rotten carrion with their beaks-Oh God! Get me out of here!" She ran over to the bushes and vomited behind them.

"Can't say I enjoy watching vultures either," said Ellody, "Although they don't make me sick to my stomach. A scientist can't afford to be easily grossed out."

"All right, then," said Miles, "What about you 'Geniuses?' What do you fear?"

Ellody looked highly uncomfortable and embarrassed. "Well, you see, there's one department where Mary and I are not so smart. We always make well-thought-out and organized plans for our tasks, that's what our genius is good for, and I'm deathly afraid of having to improvise when a good plan fails, especially under pressure."

"Yeah, we kinda figured that, man," said Geoff, "the way you panicked when your 'data' for building a sand castle was washed away by a wave."

"Hey, we all have our weaknesses, don't we?" said Ellody defensively.

"Not me," said Josee smugly, "I'm really not afraid of anything."

"What?" said Jacques, "But Josee, we both know that you get-OWW!"

Josee had elbowed Jacques hard in the ribs. "Shut up, Jacques!" she hissed through clenched teeth. "No really, I'm fearless, like any ice queen," she said to the others.

"Oh, I'll bet," said Leonard, who sat near her, "Anybody who loves fantasy knows that nobody's truly fearless."

"Really?" sneered Josee, "Well, what's your fear, wizard boy?"

Leonard looked around at everybody with quiet nervousness. They all stared back, clearly expecting an honest response.

"It might be the same fear as her pal, Tammy," Mary whispered to Ellody. Ellody giggled.

Leonard stared a few more moments, and then he finally sighed and spoke up…

"All books written by Daniel Dennett."

Mary burst into laughter. So did Ellody.

"Daniel Dennett's publications? Excuse me?" said Ellody between laughs.

"You're afraid of a philosopher, and one with impeccable manners?" Mary spluttered.

"But Dennett is so against belief in make-believe," Leonard protested, "And he won't be quiet about how foolish it is to believe in Santa Claus, either."

"Sounds smart to me," said Mary, "Although my family celebrates Christmas, we haven't believed in Santa Claus since I was seven years old. And if you refuse ever to live in the real world, everybody will agree with Don that you and Tammy are freaks."

"Don't say it, you arrogant mathematician!" Leonard begged.

"Leonard! Mary is anything but arrogant!" said Ellody. "And frankly, being afraid of a cover and binding full of paper pages is beyond ridiculous."

"Shut up!" Leonard howled. "All right, Mary, you think you're Darwin's gift to womankind; what are you afraid of?"

Mary thought for a moment. "To be honest, I hate clergymen, a lot. They're a lot more dangerous than even the most charismatic philosopher."

"Uh, I don't mean to interrupt," said Carrie, "but Devin and I still haven't mentioned our fears."

"Then let's hear from you, by all means," said Ellody.

"My fear is a pretty common one," said Carrie. "I'm afraid of nudity. Seeing a naked man or woman, or a naked boy or girl, just creeps me out, and I don't like other people to see me…that way either. That's why I wear a one-piece bathing suit when I go to the beach."

"And I don't even want to dream about being covered by rats," said Devin, "Those beasties are so dirty and ravenous, and the big variety are really creepy."

"We haven't spoken yet, either," said the emotionless Goth Ennui. "I must maintain my bone-white skin color to remain Gothed, so I'm afraid of ultraviolet rays."

"And because black bats are the most beautiful creatures in the world," said Crimson, "I just can't stand the sight of…(shudder)…white doves."

Everybody stared unblinkingly at the Goths.

"Will wonders never cease?" said Noah.

"I hear you, Noah," said Owen.

Without warning, MacArthur suddenly said, "Frogs."

They all turned to look at her, Jacques and Josee with amusement.

"Okay, so it's a childish fear," said MacArthur, "But I can't bear the sight of one of those squashy little things with the odd body shape and their legless larvae!"

"And while this may be a liability for a police officer," said Sanders, "I am afraid of being submerged underwater without an air supply. I'm not the best at holding my breath, and drowning is something that I have nightmares about."

"All right," said MacArthur to Josee, "You're afraid of something, Ice Queen. Spill it!"

"No, really," Josee insisted, "Jacques may be a scaredy cat, but as an Ice Princess, not a 'Queen,' I can't afford to be afraid of anything at all."

"Funny," said MacArthur, "You didn't always show fearlessness on the Race."

"Did it ever occur to you, Lady Constable, that maybe I was being theatrical for the sake of the drama theme? I mean, sometimes Owen was theatrical in TDI, right, Owen?"

"That's right," said Owen, "That's one of my greatest talents on TV."

"The rest are eating, farting, and burping, of course," remarked Noah.

"I don't think so, Ice Princess," said MacArthur, ignoring Owen and Noah, "You're a lot dumber than Owen ever was, and a lot more conniving."

Everybody gasped.

"Shut up! SHUT UP!" roared Josee.

* * *

 **A/N:** This chapter was longer than I expected it to be, but I hope the extra details and Drama (and humor) didn't bore any of my readers. In the next chapter, Chris, Don, and Chef Hatchet put their second, and bigger, Phobia Factor challenge into play.


	2. Phobia Factor Part Deux 1

**Phobia Factor Part Deux 1**

The next morning, all of the racers were gathered together in Chef Hatchet's cafeteria with their slop at their tables. Some of them were staring at their food as if they were going to be sick. Laurie and Miles adamantly refused to eat anything with meat, even after Chef intimidated them with his mockery of their lifestyle. Owen, in contrast, had no problem chowing down on his own food.

Just then, Don, host of The Ridonculous Race, and Chris McLean, host of Total Drama, stepped into the cabin with broad smiles on their faces. "Racers," said Don, "As promised, Chris and I have a little challenge in store for you all. Spill the beans, Chris."

Chris chuckled. "Racers, former Total Drama campers, it's time for a repeat of one of my favorite legendary games that took place here at Camp Wawanakwa: Phobia Factor Part Deux!"

Everyone blinked in surprise and shock, except Noah and Geoff, who apparently had been expecting this.

"We're doing that scare fest challenge all over again?" said Owen with fear in his eyes.

"Actually," said Chris, "You and Geoff are not. You already did the challenge last time, remember? Owen passed, and Geoff flunked big time!" He laughed. "But don't worry. All the two of you have to do is stand back and enjoy the antics of the other 34 racers as they try to face their own fears."

"Oh, joy," said Noah sarcastically.

"WHA-WHAAAT?" screamed Miles, horrified at the notion of facing meat-eating yet again.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Kitty said, "How did they know that we were talking about our phobias?"

Emma sighed quietly. "Because, Kitty, they always listen to us. Camp Wawanakwa is loaded with TV cameras everywhere."

"Noah," said Chris, "Time to introduce you to the island's sewage system."

"What?" Noah demanded, "Camp Wawanakwa has a sewer system?!"

"Of course it does, pal," replied Chris, "Where else do you think we dump our waste?"

"Uh, I would've thought the ocean," suggested Pete, snickering.

"AAHHHNN! Wrong, old boy!" Chris said. "Not the ocean. It already has enough garbage spilled in it!"

"Laurie, come on down to the beach with me," said Don, "We have some rotten meat to dispose of the scavenger's way."

Laurie gasped and glared.

"They even knew those were our fears, too?" said Kitty.

"It's a reality show, sis," sighed Emma, "If they're listening to us, which they were, they know what our fears are."

"Oh," said Kitty. "Hey! You naughty little scoundrel, Chris!" She pointed an accusatory finger at Chris.

"Whoa, ho," said Chris, "I'm only doing my job. And speaking of jobs, Chef! Didn't you have a special order prepared for Stephanie?"

Chef grinned wickedly and came out of the kitchen with a bowl full of beans, which he placed in front of Stephanie with a spoon.

"The first part of today's challenge," said Chris proudly. "You have to eat all those beans without barfing them back up, Stephanie. If you do barf them back up, or if you're too chicken to even try, then I guess you're chicken!"

Stephanie stared at the beans as if she was going to be sick. Ryan said, "It's all right, Stephanie! Just think about when you dared to eat all those beans on the Race!"

"But I was mad then," said Stephanie, "I was mad at you. I would've done anything for the Race, and my ego! But now I feel much saner, and I don't want to eat beans."

"Then you must be our first chicken, evidently," mocked Josee, "Chicken!"

"You have to admit, Josee has a point there, chicken!" said Chris gleefully. He clucked like a chicken.

Stephanie glared at them both. "Nobody calls me a chicken!" Then she proceeded to gobble up the beans without hesitation. After finishing, she gave a slight burp, but she kept the food down and didn't vomit.

"Pretty good job, Stephanie," said Chris, clapping, "Pretty good job! Not perfect, since you whimpered a little bit initially, but you still passed. Anywho, this challenge is not only going to test which of you can face your fears, and which of you can't. It'll also test the level of bravery and audacity of those who pass, and how much those who chicken out make a fool of themselves. Don here will be rating you with the RiDonculous Phobia Meter." A red and green meter appeared above Don's head, and it gave an 8 rating to Stephanie.

"The most audacious contestant to pass the Phobia Factor will win a handsome reward at the end of the challenge, which he/she has the option of sharing with a few other contestants of their choice," continued Chris.

Everybody smiled at this promise.

"While the contestant with the most embarrassingly sore Phobia Factor defeat will receive…a bunch of golden raspberries in their face!" He blew a raspberry and roared with laughter. "As ALF would say, 'Oh, I kill me!'"

The contestants mostly glared at him and Don.

* * *

A short while later, a deep pit was dug in the ground, and a bunch of big rats were poured into it. Devin was brought forward and instructed to dive in and stay under for ten seconds without screaming or prematurely emerging. Devin stared at the rats, trembling for several long moments.

"It's okay, Devin," said his best friend Carrie, "You don't have to do it."

"But Carrie," replied Devin, "I don't want to make a fool of myself on national TV. And besides, as creepy as rats are, I can't imagine even Chris trying to actually kill me with rats." He jumped in and let the rats crawl all over him.

Don counted down the seconds. When it was close to being over, they heard a high-pitched grunt from under the rats, but it didn't rise to a scream. "Ten!" Don said. Devin emerged from the pit. A rat was clinging to his ear, and another had bitten him on the tip of his nose.

Carrie gasped. Devin inwardly screamed.

Chris laughed. "I didn't necessarily say these challenges wouldn't be in danger of killing you guys."

Devin glowered in pain at him. So did Carrie, who was royally pissed. "If Devin gets infected, you're going to hear from mom and dad's attorney!"

Chris coughed. "Yeah, I got that a lot from Courtney. Chef Hatchet, take Devin to the infirmary and make sure he didn't receive any infections. Don, what do you say about his performance?"

Don said, "Almost as good as Stephanie's. A 7 rating."

"Okay," said Chris, "Not the best, but he did pass."

* * *

Chris offered something to Jen that wasn't even appropriate for a girl, let alone fashionable: gold chains and a Nehru jacket. Jen cringed.

 **Flashback**

"Bad, ugly fashion," said Jen.

 **Flashback Ends**

Jen gulped and put them on, feeling profoundly embarrassed, especially when she had to go out and rejoin the others. Chris' next prey was Tom.

"You know, Tom," said Chris, "Some people might say your sense of fashion stinks. I mean, what's with the absurd fez? And those blue clothes make you look like you just stepped out of a time machine from the 20th century. Why don't you try something more people think looks good, like, a baseball cap? Or a men's tank top? Or jeans? Or tennis shoes? Or maybe even a-"

"Stop it! STOP IT! STOP IT!" Tom screamed, "I look just fine the way I am!"

Chris looked at Don. The Race host gave Tom a 2. "You failed," he said.

Tom groaned.

* * *

Ennui had his shirt taken from him, and he had to lie under a sun lamp for an hour and a half, turning over halfway through.

"This so reeks," he said, as emotionless as ever.

* * *

Jay was put in an enclosed chamber and his breathalyzer was taken away. He had to sit there in an airtight space for five minutes and try not to panic if he felt like he was short of breath.

It wasn't very successful. After about two minutes, Jay came out of the chamber, crying and gasping for air and demanding his breathalyzer back.

At the same time, Mickey ran by screaming as Chef Hatchet pursued him while wearing a spider costume. Taylor snorted.

Don gave them both the same rating. "Zero."

* * *

Crimson noticed a wooden box labeled "Bats Inside." "Again, I see, I must release these poor, beautiful beasts to their freedom." She opened the box.

But instead of bats, beautiful birds with all-white feathers fluttered out and shone in the natural light. Crimson shouted in shock and fled at top speed.

"Get those horrible gleaming things away from me!" she screamed in her low voice.

The "Bats Inside" label dropped off of the box, and underneath was the label "Peace Doves Inside."

Don shook his head in disbelief. "I would've expected more from a creepy Goth girl. Minus one."

"Excuse me?" Emma asked. "You can't rate us below zero!"

"Actually, he can," said Chris, "The rules of the judgement state that those who do a really abysmal job can get scores lower than zero."

"Well, that's just great!" Emma complained.

* * *

 **Flashback**

"Being lost in the sewers," said Noah.

 **Flashback Ends**

Noah was wandering through the island's sewers, which he had to stay it without freaking out for three hours straight.

"This REALLY stinks!" he said, holding his nose. "But at least, I don't have to worry about Owen's own stink making it even worse."

A sewer rat ran up to him and squeaked at his feet.

"AH!" Noah yelled. "Go away, you filthy, slimy rat!" He kicked it to the far end of the tunnel.

* * *

 **Flashback**

"Spud the rocker went on about how his mortal fear is being swarmed over with ants…" said Noah.

 **Flashback Ends**

Spud was standing around with an ignorant expression on his face. Suddenly, Chef Hatchet dumped a farm of red ants on him, much like those Gwen once dumped in Heather's bed. Spud just stood there, not knowing what was happening, until, three minutes later…

…He reacted with howling pain and tried to brush off all the ants, with only partial success.

Chris watched him. So did Don. Don gave thumbs down and said, "That's a -2."

"He, he, he," said Chris, "I had a feeling, although I can't imagine what makes it possible for him to be so slow to react. Chef Hatchet, send Spud to the infirmary, too. Find something that soothes ant bites."

"Can't I just douse him with water?" asked Chef. "It'd be much faster, and the ants would be all washed off better."

"Hmm, let me think about that," said Chris. "No! Just find some nice, stinging ointment."

Chef chuckled. "That won't hurt a bit. It'll hurt a whole lot."

Spud moaned.

* * *

Elsewhere, Rock was holding a thick stick and facing some guy dressed up as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

 **Flashback**

"Oh well, I'm afraid of Jedi…"

 **Flashback Ends**

"Okay, dude," Rock said, "Please don't control my mind. I'm very vulnerable to mind tricks."

"Relax, Rock!" shouted Geoff. "Obi-Wan Kenobi's fictitious, or whatever, and so are mind tricks. Get in the game!"

"Use the Force," said the Kenobi impersonator. He swung his fake lightsaber at Rock with a skilled Form III maneuver.

"Try meditating," suggested Miles, "That always works for Laurie and me."

Rock tried, though he wasn't very good at meditating, and swung his stick at the "lightsaber." He and "Obi-Wan" went at it for about two tense minutes, until finally, Rock made a clumsy swing which connected with "Obi-Wan's" solar plexus and brought him down.

"Yes! I did it, man!" Rock cheered. "Too bad Spud's in the infirmary, he'd have loved to see this!"

His audience applauded. Don gave him a rating of 9, the best so far.

The Kenobi impersonator bowed awkwardly and said, "Remember, the Force will be with you, always."

"Uh, thanks but no thanks, Jedi man," said Rock as politely as he could.

* * *

Kitty stood, shaking like a dead leaf, across from a samurai warrior, sword drawn, poised for attack.

"Step up to the plate, Kitty," said Chris, "This one's all yours."

The samurai charged forward elegantly, his sword ready to attack Kitty. In a panic, Kitty whipped out her Samsung phone and flashed a picture in the samurai's direction while averting her eyes. The Japanese soldier was blinded by the flash and stumbled, tumbling to the ground and rolling into the crowd of observers, bowling half of them over where they stood.

Chris and Don looked amused, as usual. "Not exactly facing her fears very well, but she did cleverly succeed in defeating him," said Chris, "Even if it was mostly by accident."

Kitty squealed. "I did it! I beat the bad samurai! Woo hoo!" She ran over to the downed samurai and pulled his head up from the ground. Then she grinned and took a selfie with herself and the samurai together.

"That's to prove that I stood up to a samurai!" Kitty said proudly.

Don thought a moment and said, "I'll give her a 7 rating. Better guts after she beat the samurai than before."

"Aw, shucks," said Kitty.

* * *

"MOOOOO!"

 **Flashback**

"This is really silly, but…I'm afraid of cows," said Emma.

 **Flashback Ends**

Emma stared apprehensively at a herd of cows herded together by Chris and Chef.

"What's so wrong about cows, Emma?" inquired Owen. "They're nice, and they're delicious."

"Don't say that last!" cried Miles.

"I..I don't know," Emma admitted, "They just…I'm afraid that someday they're going to become wise to the fact that they exist only to feed humans, and are going to want revenge on humanity!"

Everybody gaped with mouths open.

Again, Gerry gave Emma a round of mocking laughter. "She not only fears the weirdest things, she's also superstitious! Cows are too dumb to desire revenge on mankind for eating them all!"

"Don't you call animals dumb!" yelled Laurie.

"You never know, tennis jerk!" replied Emma, "Animals can get smarter than they naturally are, thanks to modern science and technology, and scientists are a bunch of lunatics in my book." She quickly became conscious of Ellody and Mary's surprised looks. "No offense, Geniuses," she said politely.

"None taken, I suppose," said Ellody.

"Aheemmm!" said Chris, "Let's get on with this while the day is still young, people! Emma, you have to stand in the center of this herd and endure the presence of the cows for ten minutes without running away. Can you do it?"

"Of course I can, Chris!" Emma responded. "If Kitty can face a samurai, I sure as heck can face a herd of cows!"

"Then get over here now, and let the ten minutes begin!" Chris said impatiently.

* * *

On the beach, Chef Hatchet was spilling some disgusting carrion and offal onto the beach near the water, along with some turtle eggs and a smelly piece of meat.

Laurie shuddered and hugged herself. She was barely able to keep from throwing up again.

"Soon, some vultures should show up on the scene," said Chris. "To pass this challenge, Laurie, you must sit on those rocks, at a respectful distance, and observe the feathered scavengers as they feast on their tasty carrion, until they are all finished and have flown away. You can glance away from them occasionally if you must, but if our cameras catch you looking away for more than ten seconds at a time, or if you barf up your lunch while they feed, you lose. Endure the entire ordeal to the end, and you win."

"If this wasn't a test of my integrity, I'd kill you right now, McLean!" Laurie growled in his face.

"Sheesh! Take a pill, my Vegan friend!" Chris replied.

"I'm not your friend," said Laurie, "And I'm not Don's friend, either."

"I know that all too well," said Don, remembering the black eye Laurie gave him after she and Miles ate meat on The Ridonculous Race.

"Look," said Chris, "Maybe this Phobia challenge is a little overly brutal, so I'll have one of your friends stay with you and give you some moral support."

"I'll do it!" Mary volunteered.

"Logical choice," said Chris, "Be my guest."

"You sure you can help me get through this?" Laurie asked Mary.

"No problem," said Mary, "Another topic I've been studying in college is psychology. I think I can give you all the therapy you need."

"Thanks, Mary," said Laurie, "That means a lot to me. Good luck with your own challenge, Miles," she said to her Vegan friend.

"Goodbye, innocence! Hello, cruel world!" Miles moaned.

Within a couple minutes, vultures started to appear in the sky. They soon swooped down and began to investigate their free meal. Laurie swallowed and watch with apprehension. Mary put her arm around her shoulders.

"It's not all that bad," said Mary, "Just because you have to watch it doesn't mean you have to relish it. Vultures just follow their natural instincts, just like all other animals. They don't have the rational reasoning that humans can make to do things differently."

"That's true, yes," said Laurie with a small smile.

As the "feast" was well underway, Laurie asked Mary, "I need something to partially distract me from this ugly sight. Tell me a story."

"Okay," said Mary, "What would you like to hear?"

"I'm curious," Laurie said, "Why do you hate priests, ministers, and rabbis so much?"

"Oh, that," said Mary with dread, "Although my family and I are mostly secular pragmatists, my maternal grandparents are highly religious, and they didn't like the secular way my mother and father have been raising me. They forced me to come to church frequently. I sat in the pew, staring up at that imposing crucifix, as the minister droned on and on with his gospel message and his sermon. As you know, I've always believed that man and woman are capable of great wisdom, and many things I've learned about the world doubtlessly prove that most of the Bible's claims are far fetched and false. But the minister at my grandparents' church loved to go on and on about how God's foolishness is always superior to man's wisdom, and that man and woman are incapable of being truly wise or righteous. I also didn't like his fondness for praising St. Paul's statements about the moral inferiority of women, something that's blatantly untrue, and how they can only be saved through lots of childbearing and taking care of the children, never doing any of the things that supposedly make men great!"

Laurie looked surprised. "Sounds pretty rough. Miles is an atheist, too, though she doesn't hate the clergy as much as you do, so she can understand how you feel to a certain extent."

"That's nice to hear," said Mary.

Just then, somebody tapped Mary on the shoulder from behind. Mary glanced at Laurie for a second, thinking she did it, and then looked directly behind her. A middle-aged man dressed in the cloth of a Catholic priest stood behind her.

"Repent, for the Kingdom of God is at hand!" he proclaimed.

Mary freaked out and made a run for it, forgetting all about Laurie. The priest pursued her, continuing to preach from his Bible.

Laurie watched her run away. "Mary?" she said fearfully. She looked back at the vultures who were now soaked in blood all over their bald heads.

Laurie gasped and cringed.

 **To be continued…**

* * *

 **A/N:** Don't make any assumptions regarding the clergymen or Mary's secularism. This story is not a treatise on my own religious beliefs.


End file.
